I didn't mean it

Sometimes, when we are severely lacking sleep and don't feel well, our tempers get the best of us. I am pointing at myself when I say this. I am one who needs at least 8 hours of sleep a night, and if it is cut short, or especially if it is cut nearly in half, I am worthless and frustrated (to put it lightly). Sadly, those whom I love are sometimes the brunt of my irritability.

Last night, our son woke up twice (at 11:30pm and 4:15am) because of, we're figuring, sore gums due to his first tooth coming in this week. We had just gotten into bed at 11:15, so we were barely asleep. I am a person whose motto is, "If it was like this before, it should be like this from now on." By this, I am referring to Gardner's ability to sleep 10-11 consecutive hours at night. One of the things I am learning as a mother is managing to crumble away that untrue motto piece by piece....babies are NOT predictable, and they DO change....rapidly and without warning.

Ken and I awoke this morning, bleary-eyed, and me snappy and harsh. I said some things I wish I hadn't said, and felt some things I wish I hadn't felt. I felt like a bad mother, and an even worse wife. Ken left for church this morning at 6:15, and it pained my heart that I had acted in such a brutish way.

This morning, when Gardner woke again for the day at 7:30, I nuzzled and kissed him, assuring him that I love him.....his instabilities and inconsistencies, and all. I apologized to God for acting so foolishly and childishly. And I will apologize to my significant other as soon as I lay eyes on him. I read Proverbs 12 this morning, and what should appear within it but this very verse: "A worthy wife is her husband's joy and crown; a shameful wife saps his strength." (Prov. 12:4, NLT) Wow. Now, that is God speaking to me in plain English.

I am not proud that a short temper is on my list of personality traits. I pray that God would remove it, as He would remove a stubborn stain in my garment of attempted-righteousness. And thank the Lord that those around me can understand that I am still a clay pot, awkward and unshapely....but having faith that "God isnt' through with me yet."

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